Pain

After 2 days I was home, my condition didn't improve. I kept washing my mouth and diligently cleaned my mouth with Nilstatin but nothing worked. My mouth was full of thrush. Thick phlegm. Fungus infected tongue. I lost my appetite. Ulcers hurt very much. 

On the 4th day onwards, I could not sleep at night. I could hardly swallow my food. I had to replace my meals with ENSURE milk. It was miserable. The skin on my neck was badly burnt. The skin stretched and it hurt. I continued to lose more hair. Visible falling patches could be seen. I could not talk because it hurt each time I opened my mouth. 

Mama stayed by my sides 24x7. Time ticked away so slowly. I could only be on my bed. It was as if I was waiting for my time to come. On the 5th day, I could not tolerate anymore. I scribbled a whole page of 'I hate myself' and I left Mama a note. I was prepared to end my life. That afternoon I started to hit myself on the stomach, hands, and face. I scared Mama. I didn't mean to but I was in a lot of pain. 

Mama cried and begged me to be stronger. Why? Why do I need to go through all these with so much pain? My pain and suffering were not lessen at all. I was so close to end my life. If not for Mama was with me, I would have gone that day.