'No go' again

I was heavy-hearted this morning, I somehow knew I wouldn't have enough white blood count for chemo. Nonetheless, I prayed for the best.

I was the first patient. Dr Hj Syafiq told me my white blood count went down to 1.7 but he would like me to re-do the blood test. He would let me proceed with chemo if the white blood count gone up. I did the blood test and was told to go back to the clinic half an hour later. Papa & Mama joined us at the cafe. I was very upset. I told Papa & Mama and Sis Joyce that I would quit after cycle 2. I'm tired.

Dr Hj Syafiq was waiting for me. He said I had to go for Neupogen again because my white blood count continued to drop, it was 1.4 today. It was worse than a slap on my face. I told Dr Hj Syafiq that I didn't want Neupogen. He re-calculated my chemo dosage. From the next chemo onwards, he would reduce the dosage by 25%. My body could not take the previous dosage anymore. I remember he once told me he would prefer not to reduce my dosage unless necessary. Well, perhaps I don't have to tell him my intention to quit earlier but I have to end earlier anyway.

I somehow felt relieved and released about stopping at cycle 2. I know it means that I'm taking the risk of relapse. I was in the dilemma because I'm answerable to my loved ones as well. Mama is stronger than I thought. She told me once the decision is made, do not look back but instead look for other alternatives that would help my recovery. The most important thing I have to be happy. She didn't want to force me to complete cycle 3 miserably. She suggested not to inform Dr Hj Syafiq on impulse but 'wait-and-see'. If I still feel weak and emotional drag going for cycle 3, then quit when the time comes. As for now, focus on finishing cycle 2 at least. I took her advice.

I came home and thought about the whole thing again. I told Mama I would just bite the bullet and take Neupogen again. At least Neupogen would increase my white blood count much faster than doing nothing. I really wanted to get chemo out of my recovery journey as soon as possible. It has damaged my body a lot. I'm left with so many side effects from chemo. Enough is enough.

I went back to NCC for Neupogen. The nurse was sweet. She asked me, "Why did you go home? It's dangerous for you to go home without Neupogen as your white blood count is dropping" Thank God for these nurses. Keeping my fingers crossed x